Nice run, Mr. Merrica! I'm off on holiday tonight until Monday the 7th January, when normal service will resume. Until then........
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered " Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, that I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
A man walks into a pub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir", said the barman, “that'll be one penny." "ONE PENNY?" explodes the guy. The barman replies, "Yes." So the guy glances over the menu, and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy steak, with onion rings, mushrooms, chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Of course, sir" replies the bartender, " But all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 pence," replies the barman. "FOUR PENCE?" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, " Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The barman replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his sleep. “My darling Becky”, he whispered. “Hush, my love,” said Becky, “rest.” “But I have something I must confess to you.” “It's alright,” said Becky, “go back to sleep”. “No, I must die in peace, Becky, I....I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your Mother!” “I know”, said Becky, “That's why I poisoned you.”
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe. "Yes……" says the elephant, "…….Turtle recall."
................................................................. An Essex blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Uhhhh .. 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!” The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Oh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "
After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a notation on a tablet. The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes."
A curate was assigned to a parish in Liverpool and was sent by his priest to visit the neighbouring convent in order to introduce himself to the Mother Superior. It was a cold evening and he wrapped up in a warm coat and woolly scarf. As he walked along the pavement a prostitute stepped out from a doorway. "A pound for a leg-over?" she offered. "What do you mean?” said the rather naive curate. "Oh, forget it," said the prostitute. Walking on, he came across another prostitute who asked him the same question. "A pound for a leg-over?" she offered with a smile. "I'm sorry I don't know what do you mean,” said the curate. "Oh, forget it," said the prostitute. Eventually the curate arrived at the convent. The Mother Superior made him very welcome and offered him a cup of tea. They chatted away and the curate felt very happy that he was getting on so well. Feeling relaxed and pleased at the rapport he had achieved with the nun, he asked if he could ask her advice. "Of course," she said and smiled encouragingly. “Please can you tell me what 'a legover' is" he said. The nun answered briefly. "A pound."
This Aussie farmer has just had a good harvest and decides to reward himself with a bit of a holiday. Deciding on New Zealand as his destination, he packs his gear and flies off. Arriving at the airport, he receives his hire car and thinks a little drive in the country would be a good start. So off he goes, climbing through the lush kiwi hills, when all of a sudden he sees this farmer, totally naked (apart from his wellies) in ‘congress’ with a sheep. "Oi Mate!" calls out the Aussie farmer. "Back at home, we shear them!" "P*ss Off" replies the Kiwi. "I'm not shearin' this with anyone!!"
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the car park to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the road and crashed through a driver's windscreen. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favourite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" "Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?!? That's absurd!" "No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies…"
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his barrister in the foyer of the Four Courts in Dublin. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined. It's in the judge's hands now," said the defendant to his brief, "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court, or order a retrial." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the Four Courts, he said to his barrister, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!" Confidently the barrister responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them", replied the man. "WHAT?" shouted the barrister. "I certainly did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
