This man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all." Within two minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response Unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" He replied "I thought you said there was no-one available!"
Two Irish lads go on a fishing trip off the coast of Cork. They buy all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the long wading boots, the rowing boat, the lot. Between this and the hired car and the petrol and the bed and breakfast, they end up spending a small fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the lads catches a small cod. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One lad turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred euros? The other guy says, "Feck! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
This elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex."
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him, on the grounds that he would be driving later.
One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out. The ant asked, "What do I get in return?" The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you." So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says, "OK it's out, are you ready?" The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do, anyway?" The ant climbs up and starts humping away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head. "Ouch" screams the elephant. "Yeah,” said the ant, “take it all, bitch."
Three wise men are following a star through the desert. The star stops over a little village and begins to shine brightly on a barn behind a small inn. They walk into the barn and find a little baby lying in a manger. As they approached the manger, one of the wise men walks into a plough and smashes his knee on the handle. In agony he yells out "JESUS CHRIST!" A voice came down from the stygian gloom and said "That's a nice name, we were going to call him Brian."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
