GIRLS, You’re pissed, and you know it’s time to go home, because...
1) You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are,
2) You’ve just had to get someone to help you get your knickers up in the ladies room,
3) You suddenly decide you want to start a fight with “some bitch”,
4) On your last trip to the ladies, you realise you now look more like Gail from Coronation Street than the Goddess you were 4 hours ago,
5) You drop your 3.00 a.m. burger on the floor of MacDonald’s, pick it up and carry on eating it,
6) You start crying for no accountable reason,
7) There are less than 3 hours before you’re due to start work,
8) You’ve found a deeper side to the office idiot,
9) The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing become strangely overwhelming,
10) You’ve forgotten where you live,
11) You’ve started to sound like Walter Gabriel from all the cigarettes you’ve smoked, because, as you’ve mentioned thousands of times, you only smoke when you drink,
12) You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that’s because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka,
13) You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels like a pizza,
14) You start every conversation with a booming, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…..”
15) You fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when you sit on it,
16) Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble Wrestling take-down moves,
17) You’re tired, so you just sit on the floor (and why not?),
18) You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.
A good sermon should have a good beginning, a better ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
Protons have mass?????? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
I am an agnostic pagan - I doubt the existence of many gods.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things - right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
“He says Gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at”. (Terry Pratchett - 'Small Gods')
“And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords” - Alan Wilson Watts
“Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.” - G.K. Chesterton
“I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” - Winston Churchill
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a pub. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Inland Revenue.
Adam to Eve - "I'll wear the plants in this family!"
And on the 8th day God said, “OK Murphy, you have a go!”
Birth, life, death - Repeat as necessary.
I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, too.
Freedom OF religion also includes freedom FROM religion. (Terry Pratchett)
Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!
In a crisis, call for Isis!
In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
Jesus Saves...throws to Moses...shoots.....HE SCORES!
That was Zen, but this is Tao.
Sects, sects, sects - that's all you monks ever think about?
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours and also to love our enemies. This is probably because they are the same people!
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus and said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe. - Malaclypse the Younger (Ed's note - I don't know who s/he is, either)
"If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, ‘cause that's what he's getting tonight."
Jesus Saves - by using double coupons and shopping wisely.
“Confession without repentance is just bragging.” - Rev. Eugene Bolton
"Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've seen one!"
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
Go thou and sin more creatively - next time!
Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practising witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Dyer. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36, Menlow Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my Rainbow CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all, when you eat a can of baked beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
