Alex Ferguson is looking for a striker to add to his squad and hears about this young kid in Dagenham who has rattled in 50 goals in 25 games. He goes to see him, and true to form, the kid bangs in a couple of goals, so Fergie decides to sign him for Man U. The kid arrives at Old Trafford and has a meeting with Fergie. Sir Alex asks him how much he was earning at Dagenham. The kid replies "I got £50 a week, with a bonus of a tenner for each goal". Fergie replies "This is the Premiership now, son, you are playing for Man U, biggest club in the world. We'll pay you ten grand a week. Think big... remember, this is Man U". The kid is impressed. Fergie asked him what kind of car he had at Dagenham. The kid replies "We had a B reg Transit to do us all". Fergie said to him "This is Man U, son, I'll sort you out with a 5 series BMW. " Obviously, the kid is ecstatic. Fergie says "What about digs?" The kid replied, "I stayed with my mum at Dagenham, I couldn't afford me own place" Fergie looks at him and says, "Don't worry about it. I'll arrange a place for you next door to Giggsy. Remember this is Man U. Biggest club in the world. Think big". Fergie says "Right, now we’ve got that sorted out, I'm going to play you on Saturday. Remember, this is the Premiership, it's going to be harder and faster than any game you have ever had. But remember, just go out there, enjoy it, play your game. At half time, I'll pull you off." The kid looks stunned. He eventually manages "At Dagenham, the boss only gave us an orange"
A prostitute was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired. After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred quid, I guess!"
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can’t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma’am," the frustrated guide said, "but I’ve sat on it."
A world survey recently conducted by the UN posed the following question: "Could you please give us your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" This was a huge failure due to the following reasons:
1) In Africa, no one knows what "food" means. 2) In Western Europe, no one knows what "shortage" means. 3) In Eastern Europe, no one knows what "opinion" means. 4) In South America, no one knows what "please" means. 5) In the US, no one knows what "rest of the world" means.
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man. The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his female secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you £18,750, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Patrick wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test: Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patrick : SEVEN! Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patrick : SEVEN! Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got? Patrick : SIX. Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patrick : SEVEN! Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Patrick : I've already got one rabbit at home!
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, but he minded his own damned business!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
