This Irishwoman and her husband had a large and luxurious home in the south of France, and they decided to throw a dinner party for all the major Irish people in the region. The woman was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a very beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place for an expresso or a glass of wine. They were at her apartment about 300 yards down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was totally shagged afterwards in more ways than one, and he conked out there and then. At seven o'clock the next morning (!) he woke up and realised the time. "Oh no!!! The wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on dead fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He dashed down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails across the verandah, there were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with his very angry missus standing in the doorway wondering where the heck he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Right, come on lads, one final effort, we're almost there!"
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
A man and his wife were driving into town and were stopped by a policeman. "Do you know you were doing over the speed limit back there. I was following you for some time", said the officer. "I'm sure I was only doing about 40,” said the man. "No you weren't," piped up his wife, "You were doing at least 80 and you know it!" The man looked at his wife very angrily and threateningly, then returned to look at the officer who was taking note of what was being said. "Do you also realise that one of your rear lights is broken?" said the policeman. "Really!?" said the man, "It must have just happened." "No it didn't!" shouted his wife, "I've been asking you to fix that rear light for ages and you've just been too lazy to do anything about it!" The officer listened intently, but the man got very angry and started shouting and swearing at his wife. The officer managed to get the man to calm down and then in a concerned manner asked the wife, "Does your husband always speak to you in such a violent manner?" "Only when he's drunk", she replied.
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," admitted the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20." "Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks. "Well," replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity!" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up. "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot." So she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "A new brothel and a new madam!" "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well f#ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients . . . how’s it goin', Dave?"
An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly levelled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Christ, that's awful stuff you've got there!" "Yeah, ain't it?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" " “Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
