Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with biscuits, a few bottles of MacEwans and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they arrive, everyone's knackered. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the bottles of beer and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Roy. 'Roy, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Roy doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without a pint. Joe and Steve beg Roy to turn back home and retrieve it, but Roy flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Roy to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Roy sets off, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Roy. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Roy, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Roy in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realises that Raymond probably skipped out to the McDonalds down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Roy pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I KNEW it! I'm not feckin' going...'
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving it up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!" ============================================================
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
A father hears his son in the bathroom masturbating. He barges in and yells, "Son, how many times have I told you not to do that? You'll go blind! Now stop it!" The son replies, "I'm over here, Dad."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
