A man is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. He said to his wife, "I look horrible, fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment", The wife replied, "OK, your eyesight is perfect!"
One Saturday morning, a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, makes a packed lunch, puts on his waders, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the car and head on to his favourite fishing area. Coming out of his garage, he is pounded by a torrential downpour of rain. It's freezing, there’s snow mixed in with the rain, and a hard wind is blowing with 50-mph gusts. He retreats back into the garage and, in disgust, returns to the house and turns the TV on to the weather channel. He finds that the weather is going to be bad all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind of anticipation, and whispers, "the weather out there is terrible!" To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe that idiot of a husband of mine is out fishing in that?!"
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time, so she decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are ninety pence a dozen, how old am I?” "Thirty-four," Johnny answered without hesitation. “That’s absolutely right”, said the astonished teacher replied. "How did you work that out?" “Easy," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-stupid!"
A pair of Irish navvies were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute (brothel) when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking inside. "Jaysus,” said Pat, “Would ya look at dat, Mick! What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their digging. A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spotted him. "Did ya see that, Pat?" Mick said in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging in sins of the flesh like that. ‘Tis a shame, I tell ya!" Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Mick, look", said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls must’ve died!"
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act, so whilst enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. For £100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband went to the kitchen and picked up the bread-knife. He and the cabby then tiptoed up to the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put the knife to the naked man's throat. The wife yelled, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Porsche I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly subscription!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly withdrew the knife. He looked over at the cab driver and, with exasperation, said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his #rse with that blanket before he catches a cold."
A drunk walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So the barman does just that and hands the man a bill for £57. The drunk says, "I haven't got any money" whereupon the barman smacks the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The next night, the same drunk walks into the pub and once again says, "Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The barman looks at the bloke and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for £67. The drunk says, "I haven't got any money." The barman can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats seven shades of [censored] out of him, and then throws him out into the street. The very next night, the same drunk walks back into the same pub and says, "Barman, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill”. In disgust, the barman says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You? No danger! You get too violent when you've had a drink."
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgical procedures they had performed. The first one said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I re-attached them and 8 months later he preformed a private concert for the Queen of England. " The second one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I re-attached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in an athletics event at the Sydney Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's #rse and a cowboy hat. Today, that cowboy is now the president of the United States."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
