A man phoned a chemist to talk about his prescription. "My doctor ordered this prescription for me," he said to the pharmacist, "and you filled it and gave me a bottle with 100 capsules in it about two weeks ago. I'm supposed to take one capsule every six hours and I've been doing that. Then a little packet came out of the bottle instead of my capsule. The packet said, 'do not eat' on it. I don't know what to do, because that was four days ago, and I'm really hungry!
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence ...listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time....... I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!!"
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone!” The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering her room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later the wife came home from shopping, placed her carrier bags on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from of all places, the family room. She walked in and saw her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. His wife asked him, "What in the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the football with my son-in-law."
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted, “Listen, you bastards! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realise, is that when I say ‘Good Night,’ what I really mean is ‘Shut the f*ck up!!!’" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"
At the end of a tiny deserted pub sits a huge Liverpudlian, 6 ft 5 and built like a brick shithouse. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man minces in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Scouser. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?" At this the massive Scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the pub before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat. Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "Hey, calm down, calm down. I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure," the big Scouser replied. "Something about a job..."
Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "Judi, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking." "Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?" "Back to back," Jon replies "But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back." "Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
A guy always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. He scrimped and saved, finally going to the dealer to plop down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dogs bollix, dream mobile. After settling with the dealer, he drives off in his new car. Later, deciding he wants some music, he searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel on a 747. He fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up, having failed to find the radio. Furious, he races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman, telling him they forgot to install the radio. The salesman assures him it's right there in front of him, hooked into the onboard computer. “It’s voice controlled. All you have to do is tell it what you want”. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. “Click”. The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and “click”, a B. B. King classic plays. The guy drives off amazed. "Country", he says, and “click”, a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Punk." “Click”. The Sex Pistols belt out “God Save the Queen”. He's so captivated by this new toy that he isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver pulls out from a side street and cuts him up. "YOU STUPID SOD!!!" he screams. “’Click’ - Good morning, everyone. This is Radio Two and you're listening to Chris Evans."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
