A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he goes round the back for a look, but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Chinese bloke answers. "Harro", says the Chinese chap. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman. "I bin on toilet," replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed. Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dustbin?" "I dust bin on toilet, I told you,” says the Chinese man. "Mate," says the dustman, "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?" "OK”, says the Chinese man, "I wheely bin having a w#nk!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well,” she replied, “you don't give me enough housekeeping money to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's £50 - go and buy yourself some underwear.” Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers - why not?” She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20 - go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Good Grrrrrrief, woman! Why are ye no wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough housekeepin' money te be able te afford any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb - tidy yurrrself up a bit."
Four girls are at a hen-night, where a male exotic dancer, with the skimpiest thong imaginable, is performing. The first girl dips into her purse, pulls out a £10 note, licks one end of it and sticks it to the dancer’s left bum-cheek. The dancer then performs specially for her. The second girl, not to be out-done, digs around in her purse, fishes out a £20 note, licks one end of it and sticks it on the dancer’s right bum-cheek. The dancer then transfers his attentions to her, with slightly more suggestive movements. The third girl is a bit peeved about this and looks in her purse. All she’s got is a £50 note. “Oh, sod the housekeeping”, she says. She licks one end of it (momentarily giving the other three girls ideas where she’s going to stick it) and puts it over the £10 note. The dancer moves in front of her, putting a lot more raunch into his act. The fourth girl looks in her purse. All she’s got is a lot of loose change and a load of credit cards, so she pulls out her Visa Card, swipes it in his bum crack and takes the £80!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, “that must have been quite upsetting. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies. . . . . . . "
Wait for it.......
It's coming.......
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
.................You just happened to catch my eye. "
(Oh, shut your face! Look, I just forward them, I don't bloody write them! )
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
