A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!" Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, stomped on him until he looks like a corn tortilla, cr#pped on him, and ambled away. The battered lion hollered after the elephant, "Sh#t, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset."
One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately run up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you good?", they ask. “It's very nice," she replies. "except they won't let you fart."
Way down in that old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Ain't that grand!! Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got a daughter, too! She a pretty lil thing, too....” Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy! When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember that night when we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that there 3-in-1 oil? She said, "Yeah, I do." Bubba said, "Man, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
