OK, it's been a while, but I've 'researched' some more jokes. I'll give 'em to you in several big doses!
A man runs in the pub sweating profusely. He says to the landlord, "Quick, give me a pint of lager! I’ve a raving nymphomaniac in the back of my car and I need a drink". "Just take it easy", says the landlord, "I'll sort her out". So off he goes outside, gets in the back of this car and carries on where the bloke left off. Just then a policeman shines a torch on them and says, "What’s going on here, then". The landlord says, "It’s OK, officer, I’m just giving my wife one". "I'm sorry sir, I didn’t realise it was your wife", says the officer. "Neither did I until you shone that torch" says the landlord.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol has the generic name of Paracetamol. Similarly, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The DoH has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
As a sort-of follow on - there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections but absolutely no idea what to do with them!
God appears to a man and tells him that if he wants to go to heaven, he must give up smoking, drinking and sex. The man says he will try. A week passes by and God returns to see how he has gone on. "Not bad!" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but the other day my wife was bending over the freezer and I couldn’t help myself. I had to have her!" "They won’t like that in heaven" says God. "They weren’t very happy about it in Tesco, either" says the man.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work beer when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100, on one condition.” Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said... ”Paint my house.”
I’ve just been on holiday to Blackpool, and while I was there, I saw a man with a dog. The dog wouldn’t stop barking so the man hit it with a stick and killed it. His wife had a right go at him and he hit her with the stick and killed her as well. Someone called the police and when the policeman tried to arrest him, he killed him by hitting him with the stick. To top it all, the crocodile ran away with the sausages.
A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff.” The old lady suggested, “Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he said 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?” The biker said, “Holy cow, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The lady replied, “Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.”
A Blonde was walking along a river bank when she spotted another Blonde on the other bank. She called across to her, "How do I get to the other side?" The other Blonde gazed up and down the river then replied, "You ARE on the other side"
A lorry driver hit the back of a car at a set of traffic lights. The car driver, who turned out to be a dwarf got out and said "I'm not happy". The lorry driver said, "Well, which f#cking one are you then?".
Due to the credit crunch, I’ve decided to shop for my food at a cheaper supermarket. I went to Lidl recently and bought some Korean meatballs. I’m telling you, they are the dogs b#ll#cks!
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
