OK everybod peeps, this will be the last until next Thursday. The hospital, in its infinite stupidity, is sending me and a mate to Endoscopy UK in Lydney, Gloucestershire, to get trained up on Fujinon Endoscopy gear, so I'll put in a double dose of jokes.
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?" "Hmmm.... maybe you should start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient. "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" "Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"
Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them.” The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather have sex with a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the lady queried, "what's wrong with that?" "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings," she replied.
Larry goes to see his travel agent. "Hey Larry,” says the travel agent, “going away on holiday again?" "Yes, but I need to ask for something different." "Go ahead ask me." "You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes, but. . ." "And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes, but. . ." "And the year before that I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes." "Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring her with me?"
A farmer lived just off a quiet rural road, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at quite an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the police station and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the desk sergeant. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers!" So the next day he had the council workers go out and erect a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later the farmer called the police and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sergeant sends out the council workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sergeant, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?" The sergeant told him, "Yeah, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sergeant got no more calls from the farmer. In fact, three weeks after the farmers last call, the he decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers?” asked the sergeant. “Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I’m very busy." And he put the phone down. The sergeant thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers." So he drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
A couple were sitting at a table in a Chinese restaurant when a duck comes up to the woman with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." The man called the waiter and said, "Waiter, I thought I asked for AROMATIC duck..."
Two budgerigars were sitting in their cage watching their owner reading the newspaper. One says to the other, "You know, I'm worried about him." "Why's that?" says the other budgie. "Well, he just sits there for hours staring at a carpet."
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For £5, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up a fiver. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "Wow, what happened?" asked his friend. "It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for dried arrangement!"
I heard that if you play the Windows XP CD-ROM backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But, even more frightening than that, if you play it forward, it installs Windows XP!
A guy went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms. The female assistant told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?" The guy said, "OK, I'll take a box." A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that the same female assistant had been transferred into the maternity section. The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse." The assistant asked, "What bust?" To which he replied, "One of the sodding blue ones!!"
The schoolteacher asked to class to give examples of words in the context of a sentence. When the word 'contagious' was given, little Timmy's hand shot up. "When I had chicken pox, I had to be kept off school because it was contagious." "Very good, Timmy," The teacher said, "can anybody else give another example?" Johnny raised his hand. "My dad uses it in a different context," he said. "Go on then, Johnny." "Well, this man turned up to paint our house and all he had was a two inch brush. My dad said it would take the contagious."
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession.... to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts.... but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes". Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shoo-ed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King...
Last edited by Naitch; 29/02/0811:31 AM. Reason: Naitch is an incompetant pillock!
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
