A lady was filling her car at a petrol station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm. Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street. A police car was at the junction where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her.” “After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly service agent told him that the printer probably only needed a thorough cleaning. Because the store charged £50 for such cleanings, he said the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by the man's candour, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." (Ed’s note – This must ring true with some of you out there! ! ! ! ! !)
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Three pensioners were discussing the problems of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second senior chipped in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem - knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, pause for few seconds and then said, "That must be the front door, I'll get it."
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called an engineer. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. "Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you the cheque. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, ...do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the engineer arrived at Mrs. Davidson's house the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the engineer go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the engineer couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!"
A Geordie on visit to London decides to have a drink in pub he is passing. Once at the bar he tells the barman that he would like a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale. “Sorry” the barman replies, “We only sell Whitbread Bitter”. “Oh, I'll have a pint o' that then” and he pulled up a stool to the bar, As the barman hands him his pint, the Geordie decides that he needs to go to the toilet, “I need a pee. Watch me pint will ya and divn’t let any wun tooch it, or I'll break their neck. I hate people touchin' me pint” “Sure”, said the barman. The Geordie has only been gone for about a minute when a large, black woman who had been sat in the corner, comes over to the pint, picks it up, farts in it, places it back down and goes back to her seat without a care in the world. The barman just stood there in total disbelief. Just then, in walks the Geordie, still doing up his fly, just as he is about to pick up the pint he stops and frowns, “Sumwuns ‘ad me pint!” The barman stutters nervously. “I cannot lie. That black woman over there just farted in it”. The Geordie slammed the drink down and marched over to the woman, “’Scuse me luv, you fart in ma Whitbread?” “No” she replied “I'm Tessa Sanderson”
An Essex girl is involved in a very nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on the scene. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions" Girl: " OK" Medic: "What's your name" Girl: "Sharon" Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?" Girl: "Yes" Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Girl: "Romford, mate"
A lawyer is walking down the street when he accidentally steps into some dog mess. A few seconds later he happens to be looking down at his feet, when he notices it dripping from his shoe. He screams, "Aaahhhh! I'm melting!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
