On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny Beamer and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and, soon, he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his willie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of this story? - When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
An American tourist in London found himself needing to pee something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public conveniences anywhere, so he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "’Ello, ‘ello ’ello, what you think you’re doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, “but I’ve really gotta go." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him round a couple of corners to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here you go," said the policeman, "pee away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this what they call British courtesy?" "No," replied the policeman. "This is what they call the French Embassy."
The poor West Country vicar was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a £250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he demanded. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Cor, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the vicar persisted, "You know how to deal with him - just say to him, "Get behind me, Satan!’" "I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look great from here too.'"
Ken Livingstone walks into a pub with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks Ken what he calls it. "Tiny" replies Ken. "Why's that?" asks the barman. "Because he's my newt."
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 6 stones in weight, otherwise he would be running into some very serious health problems. As he wondered how he would ever do it, he came across an advert in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah, I’ll bet!" he thought to himself. But he was desperate, so he called them up and subscribed to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answered it, there stood before him was a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in absolutely nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he took off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally caught her and had his wicked way with her. After they are through and she left, he thought to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl showed up for the next two days and the same thing happened. On the fourth day, he weighed himself and was delighted to find he had lost 10 lb. as the company had promised. He called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stood the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that read, "If you catch me, you can have me." He dived out of the door after her like a shot. This girl was in excellent shape and it took him a while to catch her, but when he did, it was worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happened. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighed himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. again, as the company promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone. "This is a most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replied, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opened it, he found a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
A bloke died and went to heaven. Just as he was allowed through the Pearly Gates, he noticed that almost everywhere he looked, there were clocks. Clocks hanging on walls, clocks bolted to the side of celestial cars and, in some cases, clocks hanging on chains around the necks of angels. “Excuse me,” the bloke asked St. Peter, “what are all these clocks?” “Well,” said St. Peter, “they’re all Lie Clocks. For every man, woman and child, past and present, there is a clock that moves on by 1 second for every fib and lie that person tells.” The bloke was impressed. He saw one clock that was at 12 midnight. “Who’s clock is that?” he asked. “That’s Joan of Arc’s clock,” said St. Peter. “She never told a lie in her entire life, so the clock remained at its start time.” The bloke saw another clock, showing 2 seconds past midnight. “Who’s clock is that?” “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock,” replied St. Peter. “He only told 2 lies in his entire life.” “So,” asked the bloke, with a little malice in his voice, “where’s Tony Blair’s clock?” “Oh,” said St. Peter, “I’ve got that one in my office – it doubles up as a ceiling fan!”
This angler walks into a fish shop with a 20-pound salmon under his arm. "Do you make fish cakes?" he asks. "Yes" came the reply. "Well" he says pointing to the salmon, "can you make one for him, cos it's his birthday on Tuesday?"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
