A famous art collector is walking through the middle of London when he notices a rather tatty looking cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognises that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two quid. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.” The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty quid for that cat." “OK,” said the owner. "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty quid I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry pal, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "David, what noise does a cow make?" "It goes moo, Miss." "That’s right. Alice, what noise does a cat make?" "It goes meow, Miss." "Very good. Steven, what sound does a lamb make?" "It goes baaa, Miss" "Correct. Johnny, what sound does a mouse make?" "Errr... it goes... click!"
Some tourists in the Natural History Museum are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," remarked the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" "Well,” the guard replied, “the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
Two friends were sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another bloke who was sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it," complained one of the friends, "He’s got a face like the north end of a southbound rhinoceros, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, no money, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car... yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies his buddy, "and he’s a bloody awful conversationalist. All he does is sit there and lick his own eyebrows."
Three Irishmen were on the Holyhead ferry, on their way to London to make their fortune. On the voyage, they got into a conversation with a priest, who informed them that the best pub to drink in was a Bass House. They thanked him, and continued on their way to London. They arrived at Euston station and the first place they head for is the nearest boozer. “Excuse me, sorr, is dis a Bass House?” asked one of the Irishmen. “No, sorry mate,” replied the barman, “we only sell Scottish & Newcastle.” “Den, we’ll be on our way. We’re looking for a Bass House”. They head out of the pub, and spot another alehouse across the road. They enter it, and ask the same question. “Sorry, pal,” said the barman. “We only sell Whitbread beers. They are rather good, though.” “It is us dat are sorry, sorr. We’re wanting a Bass House.” At which point our trio leave the pub. They spot another pub towards Kings Cross, so they head towards it. “Is dis a Bass House?” they ask. “Yup, this is a Bass House,” replies the barman “Ahhh, tank feck for dat. We’ll have three pints of Guinness”
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
