Paddy and Paddy went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which feckin' pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of de ears off my feckin’ pig, and den we can tell ‘em apart." "Ah, dat’d be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your feckin’ pig has chewed the ear off my feckin’ pig. Now we got two feckin’ pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which feckin’ pig?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy, "I'll cut de other ear off my feckin’ pig. Den we'll ‘ave two feckin’ pigs and only one of them will ‘ave an ear". "Ah, dat'd be grand," says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your feckin’ pig has chewed the other ear offa my feckin’ pig!!! Now, we got two feckin’ pigs with no feckin’ ears!!! How we gonna tell who owns which feckin’ pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my feckin’ pig. Den we'll ‘ave two feckin’ pigs with no feckin’ ears and only one feckin’ tail." "Ah dat'd be grand,” says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by and.....yup.....you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FECKIN’ PIG HAS CHEWED THE FECKIN’ TAIL OFFA MY FECKIN’ PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FECKIN’ PIGS WITH NO FECKIN’ EARS AND NO FECKIN’ TAILS!! HOW DE FECK ARE WE GONNA FECKIN’ TELL 'EM APART???" "Ah, feck it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park. "I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes'" said Nigel "Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so brave!" So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went, faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed into a brick wall. Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and cried, "Are you hurt Nigel?" A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I’ll say I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!"
This bloke gets a job at Edinburgh Zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank. So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank. Eventually it lets go but, sadly, it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Oh sh#t!" thinks our man, “First day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits! What the hell am I going to do?” He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything. Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and, while no one is looking, he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions. He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! - a turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game. Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage, when - splat! - another turd hits him, and splat! - another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead. "Sh#t and double sh#t!" thinks our man, “look what I've done now, what am I going to do?” So he thinks to himself, “the lions worked last time, maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they?” He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs them over the fence, where they are promptly devoured by the lions. Again, our hapless worker goes to the zoo-keeper and asks what wants doing next. He is told to collect the honey from the American killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic, he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh#t, not again!!!" he thinks and, as you might have guessed, the lions eat anything, so, again, he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions. The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions. "Hello" he says, “how’s it going?” "Alright," say the other lions. "What’s it like here then?" asks the new lion. "Not bad" say the other lions. "Food OK?" enquires the new lion. "Yeah, brilliant. Yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
