Five Cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Hospital. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others "Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You f#cking pillock! For four weeks we've been eating Medical Directors, Accountants, Division Chiefs and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat a cleaning lady!"
A woman goes to Sweden to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says, "A nice, young Swedish girl!" The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?" "What I asked for....the Swedish girl? "Oh, that? Well, I did what I could – we’ll have to wait about eight and a half months, though”
A man, who had his share of the bottle, decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the centre of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of a sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No," the voice replied. "I’m the manager of this ice hockey rink."
One day little Mary came home from playing at Little Johnny's house. "Mummy, Mummy, Johnny's penis is like a peanut." Her mother is confused and then she realizes what her daughter is talking about. "Oh, you mean, it’s shaped like a peanut." "No, no," says Mary, "it's salty!"
A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be £3.08p, please," says the clerk. "What's the 8 pence for?" asks the blonde. "It says £3 right here on the price tag." "Tax," replies the clerk. "God", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed there. Where do you tack them??"
Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good." said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had altitude sickness, and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!" The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game, he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, "Wiremu, you hev eltitude suckniss eh." "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer. "Will Wiremu," said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna hev to cut off your b#llocks." "Phew, thenk god for thet!" said Wiremu. "Those Pommie b#stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid £6,000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid £3000 to get my teeth straightened and whitened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger!"
