An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin " etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "To be perfectly truthful," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realise that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers this door. This nun instructs, "Please place £50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets £50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign, saying:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
Little 4-year-old Linda woke up in the middle of the night when she heard strange, groaning noises coming from her mummy & daddy’s room next door. Linda slowly walked up to their closed door and squinted through the keyhole. In the dimly lit room, see saw the action. The next morning, Linda walked up to her mother, who was working in the kitchen, and said, “I don’t like you any more, mummy.” Her mother, understandably perturbed at this, asked “Why, sweetheart?” Linda said “Last night, I heard some noises. I looked through your bedroom keyhole and you were bobbing up and down on daddy and you were both making hurting noises!” Her mother, embarrassed, said, “No, darling, I wasn’t hurting him. You know your daddy has grown a bit of a big belly. All I was doing was sitting on it to make it smaller.” Linda thought about this for a few moments, then said, “But it won’t work, mummy!” Mystified by this, her mother asked, “What makes you think that?” Linda replied, “Cos when you go to work in the morning, Jenny from next door comes round and blows him back up again!”
It was mealtime during a flight on a small airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
Three women are in a tennis club locker room preparing to play a game when, suddenly, a guy ran through the room stark naked, wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He passed the first woman, who looked down at his private parts. "Thank goodness!!!” she said, with obvious relief in her voice. “He's not my husband.” He passed by the second woman, who also looked down as he's passing. "He's not my husband either," she said, also not recognising his crown jewels. He passed by the third woman, who also looked down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute!!!" she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
