Gives us this day, our daily dose of rubbish jokes from Naitch......!
Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Fred is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof- Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No, no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No, no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No, no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No, no, he survived that, he ..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my f*cking house."
Greg was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing to the first cloud he met a smelly, unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." This was not a hard choice for Greg and he ran up the ladder. At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only gets better, Greg chose to climb the ladder further up. At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Since things were getting better the higher he got, Greg chose to climb the ladder even further. At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Greg was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but figuring it could only get better, he chose to climb the ladder at least one more time. At the fifth cloud, Greg was startled when a greasy, 500 lb. naked man with a pimply member grabbed him. Greg screamed, "Who the hell are you?" The man replied, "I'm Cess."
Three blondes were walking in the woods one day, chatting away about blonde things, when suddenly they came upon a river, a veritable raging torrent. "How are we to get across this" they wailed, staring hopelessly at the seething waters. "I wish I was ten times cleverer, then I'm sure I could think of a way to get across." complained the first Blonde. Luckily, and unbeknownst to her, she was standing under the magic wish tree, who heard her cry and granted her wish! Instantly, she turned into a Redhead, and became ten times cleverer. "I know," she said. "'I'll swing over the river on that vine." With that, she leaped on to the vine and swung agilely across. "Wow," thought the second Blonde, having witnessed her friend’s magical intellectual elevation. "I wish I was a hundred time cleverer, then perhaps I could get across too." Instantly she turned into a Brunette and became a hundred timed cleverer. "I know." she said, suddenly enlightened. "I'll make a raft from that spare wood over there, and bind it with vine, and I can get across too." So she built the raft, carefully lashed it together, and paddled across, not even getting her brown tresses damp. "Wow and twice wow." thought the third Blonde, having witnessed these miracles. "I wish I was a thousand times cleverer, then I could get across too,” she said. Instantly she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world. The first cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain." The second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed." The third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light." The fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhoea." All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhoea? Why?" Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a bucket of home-made Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a load of jalapeno and some chilli peppers I’d never seen before." First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhoea?" Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on..."
A couple met on Brighton Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you Linda,” he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live... eat... sleep... and breathe golf." "Well..." Linda said, "since you're being honest, so will I. I'm a hooker." "I see." he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said.... "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
