A little boy, about 12 years old, walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of the local knocking shop and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money for it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam thought, ‘why not’, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said, ‘no’. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to go to the clap-clinic after having sex with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, still dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught". "When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will drive the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll screw her in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it". "Tomorrow morning, just after Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and that’s the b#stard who ran over my frog!"
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here, we can put in a pig and out come sausages. The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty quid. ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in those pyjamas! ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember - money talks...but chocolate sings!
(This joke was probably written by Dawn French, with some help from Jennifer Saunders!!!)
A man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialled 999. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"
Two privates, Billy-Bob and Bubba, stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. Whilst digging, they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!" remarked Bubba. "T’ain't no mule”, replied Billy-Bob, “this here's a donkey." "Mule!" insisted Bubba. "Donkey!" responded Billy-Bob, twice as loud. This went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" he asked. "We're diggin' a grave for this mule," answered Bubba. "It’s a donkey, dammit!" yelled Billy-Bob. The chaplain cut in. "Boys, it’s neither one. Actually, it's an ass.” “Oh,” said the privates in unison, looking at each other somewhat apologetically. An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
