This site has now deemed that I'm a SCHOLAR, after being a technologist. I never realised this was a demotion!!! :-)
Kawasaki has inferred that the quality of my jokes are on the wane, as they illicit groans rather than hysterical laughter. At my age, I'm happy with a groan - it's the total silence that I can't stand!!! I get that from the missus!
Anyway, to more important matters...
A jelly baby went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm worried I might have AIDS." "What makes you think that?" Says the doc. "Well," says the jelly baby, "I've been sh#gging all sorts."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove into town to confront the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.” “This morning, my alarm clock failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked myself out of the house, with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a ticket for speeding. Later, when I was about three blocks from the shop, I had a flat tyre. When I finally got to the shop there was a crowd of people waiting for me to open up. I got the shop opened and started serving these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10 pence pieces against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick them up AND the bloody phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a display of perfume bottles in it; half of them hit the floor and broke.” “Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically. The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the centre of London in a blizzard, and you were totally naked?" The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said... "What was the date again?"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
