Q: How to you turn a duck into a soul singer? A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers!
Q: Guess who I bumped into at the opticians? A: Everyone.
Q: Five Essex girls were on a boat. The boat sank. How many blondes died? A: Ten. Five during the accident, and five during the reconstruction for "Crimewatch"
Q: What's bloody, slimey and goes "Ho-Ho-Ho"? A: Placenta Claus
Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Bill to Dale, "that guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
There was a young boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket. One day a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said: "There is some [censored] out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "...and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager OK’ed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called the boy over and said, "...you almost got yourself a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" "Finland, sir," the boy replied. "Oh really? Why did you leave Finland?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players over there." "My wife is from Finland!!" said the manager, with more than a hint of sternness in his voice. The boy replied, "Really? What team did she play for?"
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the barman if he knew the lady. The barman said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Keymed Colonoscopes, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
(2 jokes in one!) Tom had parked his car in the woods, trying to get his wicked way with Gladys. "Go on, let me," he pleaded. "No, I won’t," she retorted. "Go on, let me" "No, I won’t, you dirty beast." "Why not?" "Because I want to be a virgin when I get married. Besides......it gives me headaches." Just then, some terrible screams rent the air. "God, did you here those screams?" said Tom. "I did, Tom. It sounds as if someone’s having a fit." "Yeah," sighed Tom, "and it sounds like a tight one, too."
“Yes, Mrs. Whitehouse, you DID hear me say the phrase ‘Tits like coconuts’, but if you listened a little longer, you would have heard me continue, ‘...and sparrows like breadcrumbs’.”
