Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly, so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two #rseholes."

"What?? He had two #rseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two #rseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy wid dem two #rseholes...."


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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."


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An attractive young lady went into an "Ann Summers" shop and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.

Yes madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?"

Braille," she replied.


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A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed.

As she washed down the woman's body, the sponge came close to her pubic hair.

Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well.

Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

They called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement.

When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband might like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.

"I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.

The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

"Oh dear," he said, "I think I’ve choked her."

Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!