Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door." The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question." The little Eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?" The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here." The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question." The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well. Are there any midget nuns in Alaska?" The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so." With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little Eskimo, "I told you that you sh*gged a penguin!"
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um... no... um... what happened?” The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
One day little Johnny went up to his kindergarten teacher and told her that he had found a frog. The teacher asked the little boy if the frog was alive or dead. He said that the poor helpless frog was dead. The teacher was wondering how the boy knew for sure that the frog was dead. The boy said, "I p*ssed in its ear." The teacher screamed, "You WHAT?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move...So it must be dead."
A man approached a local resident in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to Dublin?" the visitor asked. The local man scratched his head. "Hmmm.... Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving," replied the man. With due consideration, the local man replied, "Well, that's the quickest way all right!"
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm sick to bloody death being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. But while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again". Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked". Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...I'm a prawn again Christian."
A Young Blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the high New Orleans prices. "I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp. Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up. "Oh sh*t!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A nun who was sitting outside a bar stops a patron before he enters and cautions him on the evil of drink! "Have you ever tried it?" asks the man. "Well, err, no," says the nun. "Then you shouldn't pass comment on it. Let me buy you a drink." With some discomfort the nun agrees to a gin and tonic, but in a teacup so as not to arouse suspicion, and brought outside to her. So the patron goes in, orders a beer and a gin and tonic in a cup. “Oh [censored]”, exclaims the barman, "Not that bloody nun again!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
