This wealthy bloke decides to go on an African safari. He takes his faithful pet dog Woofy along for company. One day Woofy starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he's lost. So, wandering about he notices this big leopard heading rapidly in his direction - with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks: "Jaysus, I'm in deep sh#t now." (Did we mention that he was an Irish setter?) Anyway, then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on them with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, Woofy exclaims, in a very loud voice: "Well, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Phew," says the leopard. "That was mighty close. That dog nearly had me for dinner." Meanwhile a cheeky monkey has seen the whole episode from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good effect and trade it for protection from the leopard. The dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made an ass of, and says: "Here mister monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving little Irish mutt." Now, Woofy sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks: "F#ck, I'm a gonner - what am I gonna do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them just yet. And just when they get within earshot, Woofy says (once again in a loud voice): "Where's that f#ckin' monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She’s a doctor." "That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a brothel." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy’s father said, "I’m actually a solicitor. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost. "Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down." The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy. The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack. “That's what they call it now!"
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask?" The little girl replied, "Mum told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Police were called to an Indian restaurant in Blackpool at the weekend after a worker was found in a huge vat of curry and cream. Police said that contrary to current rumour the man has not died, although he has fallen into a deep korma.
A woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the ‘festivities’. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like scr#wing a kangaroo, then I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
