At the end of last year, I was walking down Oxford Street in London. As I was passing Boots the Chemist, I happened to glance at their window display. It was full of Tampax tampons of all different colours. Green ones, orange ones, blue ones – all the colours of the rainbow. Apparently, this was just for the Christmas period.
Blonde and Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh blast, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason." The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What’s wrong? Don't you like getting flowers?" The Brunette says, "Oh certainly...but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The Blonde replies, "Don't you have a vase?"
A blonde female was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang; it was her husband. "Honey, I just heard on the news, there’s a car going the wrong way on the M8. Please be careful". The blonde replies, "It's not just one car, there's hundreds of them".
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next, when his telephone rang. (You can gather from this that this is an old joke!) "Hallo, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I’m ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there’s meself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army by 1/2 million since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin¹s micro-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. Laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites surround my military complexes. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!” said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a few pints, and decided there's no feckin’ way we can feed two million prisoners."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
