Two women had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got somewhat over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to "communicate with Nature", so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they staggered off to their respective homes. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!” “That's nothing”, said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her #rse that said, “From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
A blond goes into the Chemist's and asks for a rectal deodorant. "There's no such thing," answered the Chemist. "Yes there is," said the blond. "I can assure you there isn't such a thing as a rectal deodorant," said the Chemist. "Yes there is," said the blond, "I'll prove it!" and she walked out of the shop. 10 minutes later she returned and handed the Chemist a standard stick deodorant. "Look at that," she insisted, pointing to the instructions. The Chemist read the instructions which stated:
A husband and his wife are shopping when the man picks up a pack of Stella Artois and puts it in his trolley. "What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife. "They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans" he says. "Put them back, we can’t afford them”, said the wife and they carry on shopping. A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley. "What do you think you’re doing?" asks the man. "It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says. The man replies, "So does 24 cans of Stella, AND it’s only half the price!"
A woman says to her husband, "I want a boob job. I’ve always wanted bigger boobs". The husband says, "Get some toilet paper and rub it between your boobs – that’ll do the trick". "That won’t work" says the woman. "Why not? It's worked on your #rse" says the man.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag." "Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football ground. Every time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with my garden shears, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say, “£20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em cough up!"
And that, I'm afraid, is it. I've no more jokes. Well, actually, I have, but they are positively obscene, and are only fit for circulation via normal e-mail. I hope you've enjoyed what I've put up, and look forward to seeing some of them repeated here, in the future!!!
Naitch
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
