Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked. "He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years younger than I am." "Really?" the undertaker said thinking out loud. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year-old soccer player’s aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded again. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a [censored]. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb [censored]' is it?'' Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local secondary school. "Yes." he replied. "When did you leave?" I asked. He answered, "In 1954." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the vicar, Mummy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
There's this guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes back to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is. "Your parrot has too much hook in its beak. What you need to do is file its beak back and it'll be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink." The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says "For you, sir, fifty quid." So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself. A week later they bump into each other on the street. The pet shop owner inquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet. The bloke replies: "Oh, the parrot's dead." The pet shop owner says, "Didn't I tell you not to file the beak back too far! Did he drown when he had a drink?" Ex-parrot owner says: "Feck no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!"
Ole and Sven were golfing when Sven pulled out a cigar; he didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my bag," said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens the side pocket of his golf bag and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya, Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow, saying, "This is amazing, how do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing, how do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!" He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
