A guy goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!" "Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?" "No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients!"
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a pint of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a pint of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a pint of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says, "Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A Medical Tutor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or testicles when a female student asked the male students if they ever got an erection while they did self-examination of their testicles. They answered that it was possible that they had. “You know, you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused,” one of them said. She then asked, "What do you do about it?" They said in unison, "Nothing, why?" She then say, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?" They said no way! She then said, "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?" The male students said yes. At which point, she says, "I'm going to kill my f#cking husband!"
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie...But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, sunshine," says the genie. "You know how it works. You’ve got three wishes." "I'm not falling that old chestnut!" says the man. "I'm not going to trust a tax inspector!" "What’ve to got to lose? You've got no transport, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Ok, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink". “P O O F!” The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "Right, pal, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." “P O O F!” The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I am, beautiful women will want and need me." “P O O F!” He is turned into a tampon.
And the moral of the story?
If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached!
A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing. "You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing. "Nah," he replied and pulled out his manhood. "I do all my talking with this." "Good grief," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
Two blokes staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely p#ssed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "I'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the barman. "What about him?" asked the barman, pointing to the unconscious chap. "No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you." Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . . hawk, lion, and stinker.
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
