A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the priest went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the priest asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Father," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind him!"
The wife of Morris went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband had been missing for 3 weeks. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "Morris is 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had blue eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs about 13 stone, is soft-spoken and is good to our children." Sherry, her next-door neighbour protested. "No he isn’t! Your husband is 53 years old, 5 foot 6 inches, fat, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Shut it, Sherry! Who the hell wants HIM back?"
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying there a few minutes the old man farts and said, "Try. Five points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Try, five points. Tied score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Try, I'm ahead 10 to 5." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Another try, tied score again." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 - 10." Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting, he sh#ts the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Change sides."
A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning, Bristol Parachute Club". A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't this the Bristol Prostitute Club"? “No sir", came the firm and stern reply, "this is the Bristol Parachute Club". "Sh#t!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week".
A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out and told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to give it a go. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of the meal, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think so, but I'm not sure if I can get another bread roll to go up my #rse...”
A little old lady had always wanted to join the local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A huge, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms and chest answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies "Yep ...my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table. The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my t#ts a few times."
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
