Yes, I know. I've got the "Carrott in Notts" album, AND I saw him do it on TV (from where the album came from). However, all Thackeray did was put a joke to music. I actually first heard the joke in the mid 1970's. On the subject of Carrott albums, you want to look out for the one he hawked around in the mid 1970's, when he first started out. He ran a folk club in Solihull called "The Boggery" and toured the country. He made his own 12" album, called "Jasper Carrott - In The Club", whose cover sleeve had him pictured outside a Mothercare shop with a pillow up his shirt! It contains the original "Magic Roundabout" sketch, which was on the b-side of his God-awful "Funky Moped" single. Everyone bought it for the b-side!
Anyway, to return to normality
A high-powered businessman had to spend a couple of weeks in hospital. He was a royal pain in the #rse towards the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The Ward Sister was the only one who could stand up to him. One day, she came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No,” the sister said, "for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he dropped his pyjama bottoms, rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well... yes... I have, but not with a carnation!”
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong as well."
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?" "It's £50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business!” snapped the old man. “Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this was the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less f#cking lawyer..."
A lady walks into Boot’s and asks the chemist for some arsenic. "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband," said the lady, calmly "I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" said the astonished chemist The lady lays down a photograph of a man and a woman having sex. The man is her husband and the woman is the chemist's wife. He takes the photograph and slowly nods. “I’m so sorry”, the chemist said with regret in his voice, "I didn't realize you had a prescription.”
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a “very big” sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and 1 handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time, the priest heard rumours of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something at his next service. During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who, among you, will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who, among you, will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up. "Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who, among you, will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up. "Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question – has anybody seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up.
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
