Halfway through a lesson, Margaret put her hand up. “Please Miss, may I ask you something?” “Of course, Margaret, what is it?” replied the teacher. Margaret left her seat and walked up to the teacher. She and the teacher exchanged a few whispered words, unheard by the rest of the class. Margaret then returned to her seat, picked up her school bag and left the room. She wasn’t seen for the rest of the day. The next day, Margaret returned to school. The first person to see her was Johnny. “Hello, Margaret,” said Johnny, “what happened to you yesterday?” “Oh, I don’t think I can tell you. It’s a bit...well, you know...embarrassing.” “Go on, you can tell me,” insisted Johnny. “Well... OK then. I started bleeding between my legs for no reason,” said Margaret, looking at her feet. “You’re joking!” said Johnny. “Let’s have a look!” “OK then,” said Margaret, who lifted up her skirt and dropped her knickers. Johnny squatted down and had a good look. “I’m not surprised you were bleeding - someone’s cut your thing off!”
A Mother and her daughter were talking about getting a husband for the daughter. The mother suggested taking a prospective husband to bed to have sex, then asking, “what do we call the baby?” That night, the daughter did just that. She went to a pub in town, ‘allowed’ herself to be chatted up, and took the man home, where they made love. While she enjoyed a post-coital cigarette, she said to the man, “What shall we call the baby?” “Well, if it gets through that,” he says, lobbing the used condom out the window, “We’ll call it Houdini.” The condom, meanwhile, landed on the head of a passing bloke, who, enraged at this, banged furiously on the front door. The mother answered the door. “Who’s in that room up there?” the bloke said, pointing at the window from where the condom had been launched. “That’s my daughter’s bedroom, and she’s there with her intended husband, not that it’s any of your business. Why do you ask?” “Because,” said the bloke, holding up the condom, “your intended grand-child has just had a very bad fall!”
A traveling ventriloquist was making a working tour of various clubs of the West Country. In one particular village, ticket sales were not very good, so he wandered through the village centre performing his act. The locals delighted to hearing telegraph poles tell poor jokes, a passing dog made a rude comment to the village bobby and a blackbird shocked one elderly lady by yelling, “The vicar is gay!” One resident of the village, a farm worker, was perturbed by this and had words with the ventriloquist. “’Ere, oi understand that you can make them there animals talk?” The ventriloquist modestly admitted that this was the case. “Well,” said the farm worker, “if one of the sheep in Morgan’s farm says anything about me, it’s all a dirty lie!”
Whilst on late night patrol, a policeman was walking down the High Street when he heard a moaning noise coming from a shop door-way. He pulled out his torch and shone it in the direction of the sounds. He saw a young couple in what is commonly referred to as a ‘compromising position’. “’Ello, ‘ello’ ello. What’s going on ‘ere, then?” The female part of this union replied, “Jesus Christ! You are one bloody stupid copper! What does it sodding look like?” The policeman turned to the man and said, “I’m arresting you for having an offensive person on your weapon!”
Billy Bob and Bubba Joe were having a drink in the Ole Ranch Bar and discussing this and that. “I got maself a new pick-up truck for nuthin’,” announced Billy Bob. “Where’d you get it?” asked Bubba Joe. “Off of Sue Ellen”, replied Billy Bob. “How’d you manage that, then?” queried Bubba Joe. “Well,” answered Billy Bob, “it wuz easy. I was drinking here last night with Sue Ellen and she offered to drive me home. On the way there, she turned into Canyon Lane and pulled up into the woods. She then got out of the truck, took all her clothes off, lay on the ground with her legs wide open and said, ‘Take anything you want!’ So I took her pick-up truck.” “Good thinking,” said Bubba Joe, “her clothes wouldn’t fit you.”
A female university student comes to a young professor's office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair and gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "and I mean...ANYTHING" she whispers. He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes,” she replied, somewhat huskily, “Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study???"
Two guys were driving home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look," he shouted, "What are those two dogs doing? Fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before." The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had. His passenger said, "You have to try it. It's pretty good. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thought about it for a bit, then decided he would give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car. The passenger asked, "Well. How did it go?" The driver replied, "It was GREAT! But it took me SIX margaritas just to get her naked in the front lawn!"
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
